Getting a grip on your fears means making your dreams a priority and listening to them. 5-8-15

Each day we live speaks to us, if we are only willing to be present and listen. 5-7-15

A good conversation has stories, interest on both sides and no chartered course. 5-6-15

Respond don’t react!

This is the first rule of managing conflict at work, home or play. I speak as a certified conflict management trainer. Now there are many other steps to managing conflict and I’ll write about them in future days.

But to get started, all any of us needs to do when conflict happens (and we all know that it will happen) is to pause (the first step to responding) and take a breath.

Unless we’re talking about a life and death circumstance, there is no reason not to practice the respond don’t react principle.
This is true for all of our men and women in law enforcement; those who practice in health care settings; people in a committed relationship. Why, there is no place where “respond don’t react” doesn’t apply.

Responding demands some thought and a reasoned response. It allows us to look back upon our actions and not only support them but to agree that in a “do over” moment, we’d act the same way.

Reacting often has us wishing that we could have that “do over” moment. Responding insures that we won’t need it.

Conflict by definition involves an emotional factor. And many of us aren’t skilled at coping well while the adrenaline is flowing. In fact, research shows that a strong emotional trigger will take 90 seconds to fully flow through our bodies. This means that pausing, responding if you will, is a wise course of action.

Don’t take my word for it. Try it. Try it the next time that conflict appears before you. Tell yourself to “freeze” and allow a few breaths. Think about how you’re feeling and then think about how you should best respond.

Respond versus react often involves just a few seconds – but the outcomes can be world’s apart.

 

1. Pee (often…always do this first…before car rides; meetings; even sex; as we age…our bladder is our number one concern.
2. Drink lots of water – it’s a basic (and helps with #1) but many of us don’t do this. Some coffee to start the day is fine…and maybe an occasional soda (and an evening alcoholic beverage) but the key to good health is staying hydrated – water is still best for this (not sports drinks or energy drinks or something someone wants to sell you – just good old fashioned water.)
3. Eat light – as we age, the food of our youth should become just that…the burgers, pizza and mega-portions need to give way to roughage; fruits and vegetables and smaller portions. You might end up eating more than 3 times a day…but grazing works.
4. Move – there is no one right exercise plan – I like light weight-lifting; short, gentle cardio programs (20-30 minutes); and lots of time in the pool. I tend to do a lot of deep water treading instead of lap swimming. The most important message here guys is move your body. Don’t sit for more than an hour at work – if you’re allowed to get up. Talk a walk every 50-60 minutes…short but moving. (See rule #1). Drinking water all day forces you to pee – and to pee – you have to walk (see the pattern here guys).
5. Practice deep breathing several times a day – this can be done while sitting; standing; or moving. Let your body oxygenate and hydrate – all day long.
6. Stretch a lot – again, the movement doesn’t have to be training for a marathon or iron man competition – you just need to move, breath, hydrate and stretch – you use your body regularly so it doesn’t get stiff on you.
7. Smile – force yourself if you have to – or better yet, think of something that makes you smile – this is good for you inside and for the you people see from the outside. (You know, people hear you smile when you talk on the phone).
8. Sleep – there’s no substitute for rest when your body is tired. There’s no truth to the idea (I’ll have plenty of sleep when I’m dead). Your body needs regular rest to replenish on a mental, physical and spiritual level. Now, most of us 50-plus guys won’t ever know an eight-hour sleep ever again, but a nightly 6-7 hours can work wonders. (I also love naps but most of us can’t make time for them – especially if we work – so the nightly rest is crucial).
9. Love – Find someone or something to love – especially if you find yourself on the high side of 50 and alone. This doesn’t have to kill your spirit – but no one can do this for you but you. You’ve never been smarter or more able than you are today – remember this and count on it.
10. Aim to die healthy – We’re all going to die someday but we don’t have to go out with tubes everywhere; riddled with cancer; and/or unable to move on our last day on earth. Being healthy everyday allows you to die healthy too.

Let your best self be heard often and your worst self talk privately with you whenever necessary. 5-5-15

The world’s best computer is sitting atop your shoulders. Maybe it’s time to allow it to work at full strength–unimpeded by the “noises” that surround and distract us every day.

However, silence seems to be harder and harder to find these days.

Our cars have become living rooms with wheels, complete with surround sound systems. Our homes usually have a television going or at least a “smart” device calling out to us that someone else wants to be heard. Our lobbies, sports arenas, even movie theatres, thrust sound at us from all directions.

Yet, how many of these sounds are generic, canned responses, meant to amuse or distract and be forgotten in the next moment? How many conversations come at you speaking more of someone else’s agenda and discounting yours?

Conversely, how many “sounds” aimed at you daily are directed towards you alone, with the hope that you might find memorable meaning in the engagement?

I currently work for Vistelar, a Milwaukee-based global communications consulting and training firm. Our experts teach the art of “verbal defense and influence” to professionals in the fields of education, public safety, health care, and business. Our training is centered on treating people with dignity and showing them respect.

VDI begins with listening – especially in the presence of conflict.

Most of us desperately need to understand how to adopt respectful and focused attitudes that invite others to speak with us to the best of their ability. We need to make sincere efforts to take in and comprehend what is being said to us and why, while deliberately putting our personal or professional agendas on hold.

On its face, the art of conversation seems like the simplest of actions, an unconscious reaction when others seek us out.

Yet listening is not a static act, disconnected from our other “important” daily activities; quite the opposite.

Listening is actually a critical adjunct to all our daily interactions and dialogues, whether these conversations involve personal life-changing decisions; have legal or financial ramifications; further the education of our young; help advance us in the workplace, or in societal debates where we can collectively take on challenges that may seem overwhelming to deal with on our own.

Prior to my work with Vistelar, I made my living as a public radio talk show host for 21 years. People used to tell me I had a great job. “You get paid to talk,” they’d tease me.

I responded quite seriously, “No, I get paid to listen.”

Over my decades on the air, I was struck that some callers would wait for up to 45 minutes simply to air their remarks, tell a story, or pose questions to my guests.

Listening to thousands of these encounters led to the recent publishing of my first book, People Are Dying To Be Heard: A guide to listening for a lifetime of communication. At the heart of my book is the message that people long for someone to hear them.

We all have a tremendous individual power in this world. We have the power to sit still, listen and allow others to be heard. But none of us will find the right words for response unless we’ve embraced silence as a “place” where we can collect and organize our thoughts before we turn them into sounds.

Our high-tech world often drowns out people’s voices–both actual and virtual voices—simply by the density of so many “voices” competing for attention. Every time we fail to accommodate these voices in the boardroom, in the classroom, in the home or online, we make a poor choice in regards to our attention.

We fail to see silence as an opportunity for energetic listening and response direct engagements.

I want to encourage you not to fear silence but to embrace it.

If you wonder if you are compatible with another – either for romantic purposes, employment purposes or maybe you’re just looking for a new friend or roommate – try sitting in silence with them.

When life throws you a curve and you’re not sure what to do, don’t Google the answer. Try sitting in silence without an electronic device at the ready.

Here’s an idea for the workplace: Try holding silent brainstorming sessions. Leave the smart devices at your desk and gather the office staff into a conference room to sit in shared silence.

There is powerful mental energy to be had in that room.

Put an idea on the agenda and let everyone have their silent thoughts. Initially, try this for just for five minutes. Then allow people to share.

Over time, build up this practice to 10 or 15 minutes. You’ll be amazed at what your group quietly can think through and then share together. When people finally are allowed to talk, positive energy will exert itself. Ideas to improve the workplace, for instance, will quickly surface.

Getting comfortable with silence actually means getting connected to the noise and sounds around us when talk isn’t happening. Sometimes it is the HVAC system or the wind outside. Sometimes it is the sound of others breathing in the silent brainstorm session.
Sometimes – well you’ll have to be quiet to “hear” what I’m trying to share.

Puzzled on where to go or what to do next…the best course of action is listening to yourself…and know the decisions will show themselves.